


Always, Once More

by ThaiKhue



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 14:00:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12889410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThaiKhue/pseuds/ThaiKhue
Summary: When redemption and forgiveness happened before too late.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,
> 
> Thank you for dropping by. I hope you enjoy. Your reviews are welcomed and cherished. Always ;)

 

Alice, Frank, James and Lily drew close to each other, back-to-back, their wands pointing to four directions. Spells and hexes were flying wildly all over the place. They were outnumbered yet again.

It had been getting tougher and tougher lately. His power was growing and so was his army. Nevertheless, they kept on fighting. So did all the other Phoenixes.

"Lily - NO!," James screamed. A spell was shot directly to Lily's unprotected side. The shield James casted missed it - and Lily didn't realize until it was only an inch from taking her down.

"NOOO - oh - are you okay?"

"Fine, James," Lily exclaimed. She tried to look for the source where that unexpected shield had come from, but unsuccessfully. What a mess it was here. Oh but what did you expect? It was a battle - of course it was a mess.

A few months later...

"Did you see that chap again, last night?," James asked while pouring himself another cup of coffee.

Lily slowly stroke her fingers through her hair.

"You mean the one who always hides in a corner and looks pretty pathetic that we have been seeing lately?"

"Yeah that one."

Lily sighed, sinking deep in thoughts.

"You do recognize him too, don't you?"

"They wear masks, James. But yes, I must admit that his form looks... familiar."

She sank even deeper in thoughts.

"It might very well be him," James said, studying his wife.

"Are you referring to S..."

"...nivellus, yes."

"And why do we care, anyway?," Lily asked sulkily.

"Despite all what you show, love, I know he was important to you, and he still is."

Lily raised an eyebrow to her husband, expressing confusal. Where was this going?

"No, I'm not jealous. What does he have that I don't?"

James smiled. Lily's features went relaxed, but she sighed again.

"He has chosen his way."

"Seems to have figured out it's not that much 'his' way, though? I mean, if we are right that that pathetic little Death Eater is indeed Snivellus."

"Since when have you been defending Snape? Against me, of all people?"

James looked at his wife in the eyes. Yes, despite all what she showed, her wet eyes always betrayed her deep feelings, which her husband knew too well.

"Since I realized that you recognized him and have been concerned about him."

He stood up and walked around the table to wrap his arms around his wife.

"On the large scale," he said with a soothing voice, "it will just do good to the world if we manage to minus one minion from his rank, won't it? And on the personal scale, Lil, if you do want to help your childhood best friend get back on the proper track, you have my support."

Lily stayed quiet for a few moments, enjoying comfort from the strong arms wrapping around her.

"We are not even sure if it's him or not. Even if we are sure, then what? Merlin only knows how he would react," she said, her voice burdened with sadness.

"If you ask me, love, we basically don't have anything to lose here. But I would say it's up to you - it's you who Snivelly would listen to, not me."

Wet eyes looked up at James, then came a kiss. A sweet one.

"Do you think...," Lily's voice fell quiet again, "he has been in trouble for being such a coward in battle?"

James paused for a moment. Then he nodded, with a sigh:

"Let's keep an eye on him then. And we should think of a way to approach him soonish."


	2. Chapter 2

No, not soon enough.

"He has WHAT?!," Lily yelled. James had to practically cover his ears.

"Now he has reduced himself into literally a pathetic mess," Albus shook his head. "But it's not the point. The point is that you two have to remain here until further notice. And no, James, I will be your Secret Keeper. We can't afford any risk in this."

"How do you know he is trustable, Albus? What if this is all a trap? He is a Death Eater, to begin with," Lily emphasized on the world Death Eater, her voice loaded with a mixture of anger, disappointment and pain.

"I have back up plans," Albus replied. "Should there be a plot behind his moves, it will be unfolded soon. For now you and the Longbottoms have gone to hiding and let's see what happens next. In any way, you all are safe and will be safe. Trust me."

"All right then," Lily sighed.

"He has switched to our side," Albus added, eyeing Lily and James with an expectant look.

"Merlin knows how truthful that is," Lily spat out bitterly.

"We will see. Now please help yourself settle. I have had food and necessities stocked up for you for this week. I will come back to check on you regularly. Call me by floo if you need something."

"Thank you, Albus. But honestly, need you pull us here all of a sudden before even explaining anything?," James complained.

"Well, I'm sorry," Albus replied, his eyes twinkling. "But you see, given the circumstance, we couldn't delay it even a second. I'm sure he is already turning your house upside down now."

"That's right," Lily sighed. "Thank you for your quick action, Albus. We owe you our lives."

Albus waved it off:

"Don't even mention. You do risk your lives every day for our cause, do you not? Now I really have to go. Take care. See you again soon."

After Albus had disappeared in the fireplace, James buried his face in his palms. He was not sure what to think. Maybe he shouldn't even think of it.

Sobbing sounds caught his attention. He looked up and found his wife crying quietly into her palms. Her shoulders were trembling.

He stood up to come sit next to Lily, wrapping his arm around her. She turned to lean on his shoulder.

"How could I ever befriend him... That man is terrible... Terrible!"

James patted gently on her back. He knew very well how this was tearing her apart. Snivellus might have become Severus Snape the Death Eater, but the little Sev who jumped out from a bush to tell Lily she was a witch had never died. And would never die.

"Let's drop it for now, dear. We are safe. So are Frank and Alice."

But Lily was still lost in her crying.

"Our child has not even been born yet! Bringing such a prophecy - a prophecy that clearly means a death sentence for a child who has not even been born yet to Voldemort! What excuse can be made for him now? He's a monster!"

"But he has turned to Albus, love. He is trying to stop it."

"That is exactly why we parted all those years ago, James. I know he is doing this because it happens to be me. Because my child is the target. Were it another woman, another innocent family, he woud not care the least! Why should I be different? Why should I be ANY different?!"

James sighed and spoke no more. Something from the past came back to haunt him.

_"What has he done?"_

_"Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean..."_

A part of James told him Snape had just proved he was right. The other part confronted him with something...

Something very unbearable.


	3. Chapter 3

Time flied.

The morning before New Year's Day, when five-month-old Harry was still sleeping and his parents had just finished their early breakfast, Albus arrived, wearing a face that screamed "extremely bad news".

He barely touched the tea he was served.

"They discovered Severus' work for the Order. He was sentenced to torture to death. We managed to rescue him barely in time last night. He is very seriously injured."

James rose from his seat, his jaw dropped.

"Where is he now?"

"At Hogwarts. Poppy managed to get a trusted Healer from St Mungo for him. They have been working on him from midnight. But they say... The Healer said we should be prepared for the worst."

Albus' eyes dropped to the floor. He asked quietly:

"Do you know how we can contact his family, Lily?"

Lily had been staring at something invisible in front of her. She answered, but did not move:

"They live at Number 394 Spinner's End, in Cokeworth."

"His parents have moved away. He has been living there alone, he told me."

Lily dropped her face to her palm, her reply buried in a sigh:

"His mother is Eileen Snape née Prince. Can you look it up in a directory or something? His father is Tobias Snape, a working class muggle, wouldn't be easy to trace. The Prince is a pureblood house. He said his mother was disowned but at least we can try retrieving her from there."

"I will ask someone to check for the Prince house."

Albus conjured a silver phoenix and sent it away with his message. He let out another sigh, his voice barely audible:

"The boy has no friends."

"How is he now, Albus?," James asked.

"Still unconscious and barely breathing."

"Can we visit him?"

Albus thought for a moment before answering:

"I can arrange. But how about Harry? I don't think he should leave this house at all."

"Maybe you can go visit him, Lily. I will stay home with Harry."

James squeezed his wife's shoulder. She refused to look up from her palm, but after a few moments, she nodded.

o0o

Lily was slightly startled by the amount of protective magic casted on the infirmary. It was December 31; the castle was almost empty.

They had entered directly by Floo from the headmaster's office. Albus had had Poppy, the Healer and the two Order members guarding Severus leave for a while. No one but himself was aware of Lily's presence.

Lily could say many things and do many things and she had been saying and doing them for the past many years whenever the name of Severus Snape was mentioned. Yet they were all said and done in his absence. This moment when he was not absent but present, on the infirmary bed, his face covered in cuts and bruises, his body immobile, what was left of his life clinging to shallow, vulnerable breaths, she could say nothing. She could do nothing.

She could do nothing but dropping to her knees besides his bed, her lips pressed together in the effort to keep herself from screaming. Everything fell off - Death Eaters, dark magic, the prophecy, his questionable loyalty - everything - now he was only himself, as mortal as they all were, as broken as he had always been. He, the man who used to be the boy she shared her childhood with. He, the man who caused a death sentence to fall upon her child before he was even born, and then took another death sentence upon himself trying to right his wrong. He, the man whom up to this point she was still refusing to fully trust.

Lily was confronted by the question she had been avoiding ever since. "I thought we are supposed to be friends? Best friends?"

"Severus Snape... wake up! You have to wake up...," she cried out. She didn't care that Albus was standing there. She didn't care. Why was this man not waking up?

"Wake. Up. Or. I. Will. Kill. You..."

Her head dropped to the arms leaning on his bed. Still, the man had the audacity to disobey. Her voice got lost in tears and despair:

"Listen, Sev... I forgive you. I forgive you and I'm sorry. How can you hear this if you don't wake up...?"

That, however, resulted in a sound that made her heart jump and Albus' eyes open wide.

Severus was still immobile, but his breaths were making noise. They were getting deeper. His chest started to rise and fall.

Albus quickly casted a disillusion charm on Lily:

"Stay by my side all the time."

He opened the infirmary door to summon Popply and the Healer. They rushed in to check on Severus. Lily stared at them, her thoughts and emotions wildly storming up. She whispered to Albus:

"Albus, if he wakes up... Don't let him know I am here."

The old man nodded. Poppy and the Healer informed them in great relief:

"He is improving... He will survive."

Nevertheless, the mentioned patient was still not moving.


	4. Chapter 4

 

"I give you my word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the worst of you."

"I never asked for that."

"No, you never. I do it by my own will. That part of the story will forever stay between you and myself."

"Fine! As you wish!," Severus spat out, then stood up and walked towards the window, turning his back to Albus.

Albus took a calming breath, reminding himself of the day he would give anything, anything to see the boy up and around, being rude and bitter and impossible, like this or even worse than this. The day he swore to himself He. Would. Never. Use. Anyone. As. A. Spy. Again.

He was twenty, for Merlin's sake. He might have mastered Occlumency and all, but it didn't change the fact that he was twenty.

"I understand..."

"No, you don't."

Albus sighed. Contrary to popular belief, his patience did have limits and it was wearing thin. No, Albus, be patient, be more patient. Of course the boy was bitter and pessimistic and unpleasant. Because why in Merlin's name would he not?

His behaviour needed correction, yes it did; but correction could wait. Healing must come first.

"Listen, Severus, I know you still disgust yourself for that. Yes, we do acknowledge that you once had the worst of you manifested so and so. But it doesn't mean you should let it ruin the rest of your life. Everyone..."

"No. Not. 'Everyone'. Anything. Here."

"What makes you think you don't belong to that category of 'everyone'?"

"I know where it would go. 'Everyone makes mistakes and... but no, your mistake is unforgiveable!'. Always. Spare me the pretence, please."

Albus sighed again. How was he supposed to drill it through this exceptionally thick Slytherin skull?

"I wonder if you would care to hear about the worst of myself?"

This is Albus' last card. The pain started to surge through his being and threaten to take him down any moment. But under some circumstances, he deemed it necessary to bring up his pain - bring it up, face it and use it to achieve certain goals... like this one.

"What is it? Something you did that made you lose your second Order of Merlin, First Class?," Severus smirked.

"No, Severus. There are many aspects of my life that are not printed on the chocolate frog cards. Some of them are very dark, darker than you could ever imagine."

Severus snorted, apparently thinking that the great, brilliant, respected Albus Dumbledore, Master of the Light, was mocking him.

"Indeed. I could never imagine."

Albus' voice fell quiet, and heavy-loaded...

"I killed my sister..."

That, finally, succeeded in catching the younger wizard's attention.

"... when I was even younger than you are now. And no, don't start telling me that I'm talking rubbish because I would reprimand you for that."

Severus kept his mouth shut, his eyes studying the headmaster, unsure what to expect. The old man gestured him to sit down again.

o0o

Call it ironic, but it was much, much easier to forgive a man on death bed than a man who was still up and around and had the possibility to move on.

Lily massaged her temples. Perhaps this was how little Sev felt while hiding in the bush all those days, struggling between the urge to jump out and the fear of rejection. More than once, Lily just wanted to stand up and leave and deliver her classic line: "I don't have anything to say to him". It was the easiest thing to do.

But she had been haunted by that moment of a month ago. The moment she was confronted by the fact that one day - actually it could be any day - he would never wake up again to hear it. The moment that stormed up what had been buried deep down in her heart, what had been tucked away in a corner of her mind.

That moment, she realized that she did not walk away out of anger. She walked away out of pain.

The pain was unbearable for her at the age of fifteen. She had lost her friend. She had lost him to the wrong crowd, the crowd that was so powerful, so intriguing to him that she believed no amount of her friendship could ever pull him back. He just finished the job by giving her the confirmation.

She made a show of herself cutting him off from her life, but it was her who felt being brushed off and thrown away. Yes, her also.

The show had continued for so long that she had grown to believe it were the truth.

She was still unsure what to do, what to say and where to start when the door opened and Albus stepped out.

"He's inside," the old man smiled. "Take your time. I will be back to escort you home when you two finish. Severus knows how to call me."

Lily nodded to Albus and forced herself to stand up.

Behind the door, a man was waiting for her.

The moment she looked at the face of her long-lost best friend, again, after all these years, she had to fight hard not to gasp at what she saw.

She looked at him in the eyes, and she was startled.

She was taken aback.

She was scared.


	5. Chapter 5

Lily was startled.

Lily was scared.

She stood in silence, staring at the man in front of her.

She couldn't believe that man was her age. He looked almost a decade older than he should. His hair, totally neglected as ever, had grown in itself a touch of madness, a touch of the inner mess manifested on the outside. And on his cheek - on the young, fresh skin of the twenty-one year old that he was - two large and deep scars had made a brutal cross.

She knew those scars. She knew the spell that caused them. She knew the inventor of that spell, too. And she knew, most importantly, that they would never heal.

It took her all her strength not to bring it up - not to tear down what was still left.

It took her all her strength to stand up straight and keep her eyes in contact with that look.

Where was the difference? Where was her difference?

Another moment of realization slapped at her face.

Despite all what she said, despite all what she showed, she had always been taking it for granted.

She had always known that there was a difference. That she was different. That somewhere in the rank of Death Eaters, there was always one who would do everything in his power to keep her safe, in the middle of a battle or not. That among all mudbloods in the world, she was always regarded differently by one Death Eater.

She rejected it. She disgusted it. She threw it at his face and walked away, leaving scars on both.

Fifteen years old, Lily failed to understand that there were different ways to deal with that difference, and the choice she made was not exactly the ideal one.

Twenty-one years old, and encouraged by Albus, she decided to...

... to try again.

But here they were, and where was her difference?

The black eyes she was once very familiar with, sad but untainted, deep but approachable, were now nothing more lively than two dark and cold tunnels concealing an inner universe unbeknownst to the world - to the whole world, including her.

Never ever like this moment, Lily cried for the difference she had been taking for granted. She cried for that concealment to slide open, for a spark of light - no matter how small - to cross those tunnels at least the moment her eyes met his.

But nothing happened.

Lily now was only a part of the world, the same as all other parts, no more, no less.

She took a deep breath. Let's try again. She was here to try again.

She would try again. Again, again and again until they reached the farthest they could possibly reach. She knew she had to be patient. And determined. This was not only for herself. This was - like she had been imagining - a wandless battle against an invisible enemy.

"Sev."

"Lily."

Merlin, what had happened to his voice? Since when had it become a doublebass - one that sounded as if it were filled with everlasting tears?

"Uhm... Where did you get this outfit?," Lily asked akwardly.

Severus rolled his eyes - which made them less dead-looking.

"I mean no offense, Lily, but I suppose we are not meeting after all this time to discuss my choice of clothing?"

That line was coupled with a blink, a blink that carried a bit of amusement if Lily was not being overimaginative - or overoptimistic.

"No, we are not. But you look like Shakespeare."

"Oh, for Merlin's sake," Severus exclaimed to the ceiling. "All right, I look like Shakespeare. I see. So?"

"So nothing. Just... old friends die hard, you know."

The words - the words old friends - shot through the air like a thunder. Severus stared at the woman in front of him, completely at loss, completely speechless. Lily's heart jumped, and her voice fell quiet.

"Are we... am I... still your friend, Sev?..."

A scowl slowly formed on the young man's face, seeming to squeeze out something from the tunnels of his eyes.

"... after all this time?," Lily added, barely audible.

Several moments of silence endured before Severus let out a sigh...

"Always, Lily. Always."

The word came out like music, like the lyric of a one-word song. Lily nodded:

"Let's sit down, shall we?"

Severus said nothing, but he moved to an armchair across the one Lily had occupied and settled down.

"No tea," Lily said.

"Customarily, no," Severus replied, slightly shaking his head.

They could hardly bear looking at each other in the eyes for another minute. Both of their gazes went down to their hands, where fingers were interlocked.

"What brought you here, Lily?," Severus asked softly. Impossibly softly.

Lily took another deep breath.

"The last time we talked... I refused to listen to you. Today I want to try again."

In an unspoken harmony, they brought up their eyes to meet each other's, again.

"Is it still possible, Sev?"

"What is still possible?"

"For me to listen to you. To what you wanted to say all those years ago. Is it still possible for me to try again?"

Severus's face fell into his palm, and it didn't take much effort for an old-friend-die-hard to see the pain surging up in him.

"You said it was too late, Lily. It was, and it still is."

"Too late or not, I want to try again, Sev. Do you?"

"Try again with what?"

Rage started to occupy his voice. Patience, Lily. Patience.

"You called me a mudblood."

The man let out a loud, sharp sigh, as if there were a blade stuck in his chest.

"And you said you didn't mean it. You didn't mean to call me a mudblood."

"Can't we just leave it be?," Severus almost roared.

"Leave what be?"

"You bloody well know what I mean Lily!"

Severus gritted his teeth, flames dancing in his eyes. Tension swept through all his being and only softened a little bit - a tiny bit - when emerald eyes refused to look away from him.

"I bloody well know what?"

"What. Do. You. Want?," Severus spat out and stood up, although he was completely unsure what to do next.

Here we go again - the temper, the agression, the tantrum that pushed away from him everything that moved.

"I want to listen," Lily said blankly.

"To what?"

"You didn't mean to call me a mudblood. I always know you didn't mean it. What I don't know, however, is why you did call me a mudblood anyway."

"May I be excused, Lily?," Severus asked with the coldest voice humanly possible.

"Because you ask me, Sev, no, you may not."

The man groaned, and Lily couldn't help feeling that little bit of triumph she always - she once - felt every time this legendarily stubborn Slytherin surrendered her even more legendary stubborness. Said Slytherin threw himself back into his armchair, his face buried in his palm, his fingers massaging his temples.

"Why, Sev? Why did you say it while you didn't mean it?"

"Because I was a coward! Satisfied?"

"No, far from satisfied."

"What do you expect to hear?"

"Whatever I expect to hear, that you are a coward is not one of them. Coward or not, it's not important, and it is an invalid answer. Invalid, because it doesn't help me understand you any better."

"I don't need you to understand me."

Lily sighed. Even though she had promised a thousand times to herself that she would not walk away again until the mess got sorted out, it proved amazingly difficult in the face of this man.

"The thing is, Sev, I do want to understand whether you need it or not. Will you help me?"

In the several silent moments that followed, a long sigh was heard, as a reply to her question.

"Let's try again, shall we?"

"I know I have wronged you, Lily, but must you punish me in this way?"

"Merlin help me, how can I get it through you?," Lily exclaimed in despair. "Look at me, Sev. Look at me."

It took what felt like eternity. It took Lily a countless number of repetitions to finally tear the man's eyes apart from his palm and bring them to meet hers.

"Am I still your friend?"

Silence, and those dark tunnels were now open. They were open for a river of pain to spill out.

"All the past years I have been saying otherwise, but please believe me when I say this to you today, Sev. You are my friend, as you have always been."

The black eyes stared at her in disbelief, in despair, in many layers of complex emotions Merlin knows what.

"You hurt me, but I hurt you too. I want to give us - give our friendship - a second chance. But I can't do it alone. I need your help. Will you?"

Severus sighed again before standing up and making his way to one of Albus's shelves.

"Drink?"

"I thought no tea, customarily?"

"I mean alchohol."

"Maybe yes. Half a glass."

"Of what?"

"Whatever. Perhaps the one you take for yourself."

A few minutes later, when the man had finished half of his glass and was presumably in a better mood - as better as it could be under this circumstance - Lily let her stubborness manifest once more.

"Let's try again, shall we?"


	6. Chapter 6

"It slipped out."

"I know it did. Which, however, indicated that it had been there in your mind for a while before being slipped out."

Severus sighed, still avoiding Lily's eyes by all means.

"Everything aside, I want to know what you really think about mudbloods, Sev. What do you really think about mudbloods if we put aside all these dark side and light side and this whole stupid war?"

"Could you do me a favour and stop throwing that word at my face?"

"The word that you threw at my face?"

Severus briskly stood up, looking as if he could smash down the whole universe right then and there, leave alone a single Lily.

"I apologize. The right to accept or reject my apology, however, lies with you, as always."

Without wasting another second, he turned on his heels, making no pretence to stay or continue the conversation.

Lily hit her face with both palms. This was useless. This was going nowhere. But the man was going somewhere. Merlin, what did she do to deserve this?

"Sev, please. I'm sorry."

It looked as if it hurt Severus badly to hault his steps, although his back was still turned to his... best friend. Or... ex-best friend?

"It wouldn't go anywhere if we kept fighting like this. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to blame you. I have been blaming you enough... too much, already, all these years. It... slipped out."

The man made no move.

"Let's try again, shall we?"

o0o

It was not recorded how many times they tried again, but it technically took almost half a day, meaning twelve hours, for the two legends of temper and stubbornness to get through their points. Albus seemed to be prepared for this since he did not show up until Severus summoned him by the emergency mark placed at the root of his left middle finger - the mark given to him by the Head Phoenix himself, thanks to which he was rescued from his execution in time. Albus arrived in the living room of his private quarters, where he had been hiding Severus from both Voldemort and the Ministry, and found unreadable expressions on the faces of the two young phoenixes. One thing he could tell for sure, though, was that they were both emotionally exhausted.

"How did it go?," he asked Lily quietly after leaving Severus behind the closed door.

"Heaven helped us, Albus," said Lily, "otherwise Merlin only knows how we could have kept talking. I'm having a headache now."

"Easy there. Tell me the final result; that would suffice for now."

"We reached understanding."

"It means success does it not?," the old man's eyes twinkled.

"Please escort me home, Albus. Oh and one more thing, could you organize another meeting like this for Sev and James?"

"I can, but are you sure they can manage being within each other's wand's reach?"

"I will carefully train my stag of a husband beforehand. And if you can kindly provide some extra temper training for that guy," she tilted her head to the door's direction, "peace would be less unrealistic. I still have no idea how we have just made it without hexing each other even once."

"Young people," Albus shook his head with amusement.

"So can I go home now?!"

That night, despite Lily's exhaustion and grumpiness, James forced her to report on the day immediately and with full details.

"So he didn't really care about blood. Just wanted status."

"Yes."

"In the Slytherin mind, blood equals status, which we all know."

"Yes. Hence the 'half-blood prince' thing."

"And calling you 'mudblood' because that was how his gang referred to you and he had to follow in fear of losing allegiance."

"Which never existed, by the way. He never figured that out until after climbing up to the high rank, taking that blasted Dark Mark and then realizing that his life was still not regarded any higher than any bloody filthy mudbloods."

"Which led to the lack of enthusiasm in battles?"

"No, that's another thing. He, you know, as you say all the time, just was not born to be downright evil. Ugly and ill-behaved, yes, but not evil. Almost died seeing his spells practically harm and kill."

"We saw that. Kind of."

"Yes, we did. Lucky for him he was a hell of a Slytherin, otherwise they would have slaughtered him long ago. That, however, directly led to the prophecy event."

James thought quietly for a moment, while his wife studied him.

"He brought the prophecy to Voldy in an attempt to prove his loyalty - which had been pathetically disproved in battles."

"Yes. And to survive."

"Without thinking, I assume?"

Lily sighed.

"He only admitted he didn't think after my enormous effort to convince him that I would not disbelieve him by default."

"So in summary, little Snivelly had been at risk of trouble for failing to be a practical Death Eater, hence he brought the prophecy running straight into Voldy's open arms hoping it would save his own neck."

Lily sighed again.

"Silly bloke... He even thought it was a relief he could do that instead of going around hurting and killing. Gave it no second thought until he heard Voldemort interpreting it."

"And he went all mad."

"As we have heard."

"You said he has scars?"

"It really hurt me to see it, James. Two large scars, from his own Sectumsempra, right on his cheek."

"Merlin, poor bloke..."

"Really. So I have told you, go see him, do whatever you men do to sort things out but keep your wands and your prongs to yourself."

Lily buried her face in the pillow and delivered her last line of the long, tiring day:

"You were right to push me to go meet him today, love."

That night, Albus let Severus stand alone by the window and silently consume a whole bottle of his precious whiskey without complaining or commenting.

Tomorrow the dawn will come, won't it?


	7. Chapter 7

"Uncle Sev!"

A little thing with a messy mop of hair shot himself straight into Severus' stomach like a canon bullet.

"Ouch! You hurt me, little beast!"

The little thing didn't care. Without delay, he climbed up and claimed his familiar place on Uncle Sev's arm.

"Been waiting for you all week," a voice lazily informed from across the kitchen table. "No, that little fan of yours, not me."

"Never dream of it, Potter," Severus sneered. He stood up straight with Potter Jr. clinging to his neck. His free hand threw a copy of Daily Prophet at Potter Sr., who caught it and immediately disappeared behind it.

Harry ushered Uncle Sev to his playroom, where he would sit on the man's lap while they read. Children's books, of course, not potion journals. Not yet. He conveniently leaned against Uncle Sev's chest, tilting his head from left to right and vice versa as if the man were a comfortable armchair which by the way could read. He loved the deep, gentle but powerful voice and the warm breaths coming from above his mop of hair.

Four-year-old Harry had been in hiding since even before his birth. He had never got the chance to go beyond the Fidelius Charm. His social circle was strictly limited to Uncle Padfoot, Uncle Moony, Uncle Sev, Frank, Alice, and Neville, the only friend at his age. Grandpa Albus would have gladly been included had he not been busy with an important project - one that would push this stupid war to an end, as they all hoped.

Harry and Neville were denied the right of going to the park like other children as well as all the other fun that required leaving their homes. The adults could not even take the risk of weakening the Fidelius Charms by expanding it to the open space of their backyards. When they realized that the boys were growing fast and the war didn't seem to end any time soon, they decided to make it once a week or once in two weeks that they would temporarily expand the charm to the backyard at either the Potters' or the Longbottoms', put up several layers of heavy wards around and get the whole team of them together to safeguard while the boys were allowed to play outdoors for the day. It was the only way to grant them some exposure to sunshine and fresh air and keep them alive at the same time.

Not only were the boys' childhoods ruined, their parents' youth also suffered a similar fate. Frank and Alice had to quit their job - their favourite job - in the Auror force, stayed home and had basically no choice but lived on their inheritance (which, thanks Merlin, was sufficient) while contributing to the Order with research work. Lily had to learn to become an animagus to occasionally sneak out of the house before dying from cabin sickness. James did the same. Although in that way they were both able to carry out some tasks for the Order in animal form, sometimes armed with the Invisibility Cloak, only one of them could leave the house at a time and it depended on whether anyone in the bunch of Harry's uncles could come to assist the one who stayed home.

It never ceased to pain Severus every time he gathered himself to look at this mess. All this trouble - this long-lasting trouble - was due to one person and half a prophecy. Soon the little thing on his lap would grow up, and by the time he arrived at Hogwarts - the latest - he would realize what normal childhoods were supposed to be like. He would then, logically, learn to hate the man he was clinging to at the moment.

Still, no amount of hatred or punishment or remorse could give the boys a second childhood or their parents a second youth. They - all of them - simply had to pay the price to keep themselves alive... and lead an underground life, like encaged lions. To make things worse, yes, they were lions.

Severus would have never been able to even look at Harry if his mother had been a little less sneaky. There would have been no Uncle Sev had she not tricked him into coming to the child's first birthday party. There would have been no Uncle Sev had she not, then, tricked him into holding the child for the first time. Probably there would have been no Uncle Sev, still, had the child not pulled the pacifier out of his mouth and offered it to the dark, grumpy and supposed-to-be scary man.

"Marauder. Genes. Can't. Wait. To. Manifest. Right. You. Little. Beast?!," Severus hissed with great annoyance.

"Easy there, dude," Lupin managed to speak while everyone else was laughing until falling off their chairs. "It's just a handshake one-year-old style. Right, Pronglet?"

Pronglet didn't care the least. When his "handshake" was understandably rejected, he casually dropped the pacifier to the floor and turned to playing with the man's nose. Said man had no choice but becoming his Uncle Sev, because otherwise why in Merlin's name would he let any bloody baby - leave alone a Potter- play with his nose?!

Three years had passed since then, and Uncle Sev had made a point of coming every weekend to function as an amchair that could read stories to the little thing occupying it.

"... a strange man came to the village. He had a very big scar on his face, and so everyone was scared of him..."

"Why awe they scawed Uncle Sev?," asked Harry.

Of course he didn't know why. His tiny social circle included two men with scary scars on their faces and he had been accustomed to that long before he even learnt to be scared of anything.

"They were scared because the man was strange and had a scar on his face."

Harry looked up, his emerald eyes blinking while he studied Uncle Sev's face - if four-year-olds did study people's faces to begin with. One of his little fingers reached to touch one of the man's scars and slowly traced along it.

"Are you scared of me now?"

The boy thought for a few moments, presumably to decide whether he would be scared or not. No Potters could ever be deemed adorable until a certain Potter married a certain Evans and produced a little thing who had his mother's eyes.

"No," he shook his little head. "I lowed yow."

The little beast giggled when a kiss landed on his forehead. He never knew how much of a life he had saved with those three simple and mispronounced words.


	8. Chapter 8

 

"Mr and Mrs Potter."

Severus slowly brushed the ashes off his robe while his look sent the host and hostess straight to their seats.

"Sev? What's wrong with Harry?," Lily asked impatiently. Severus could sense her heartbeats speeding up.

"Now he is fine."

"What happened?"

"He attempted to leave the school ground yesterday."

"WHAT?!"

"Did he manage?," James spoke up, his heartbeats speeding up too.

"Unfortunately, yes."

"He DID?! Where did he go?"

"Hogsmeade. Because all his friends were going."

"Merlin, did anything happen?!"

"No. He is safe and sound, or at least as safe as he can possibly be after reporting to Minerva about his mischief."

Everyone let out a sigh of relief.

"But how could he sneak out?," Lily asked.

"An disillusionment charm. Which I would deem praiseworthy but for the context in which it was used."

"Disillusionment charm? I thought it were not in the curriculum at all?"

"No, it is not. Nor was animagus transfiguration," Severus eyed James with another look.

"How did he learn it?"

"He taught himself. Made up innocent reasons to borrow advanced books from Lupin. And. Merlin. Only. Knows. What. Could. Have. Happened. Had. Something. Gone. Wrong. In. The. Process! I thank all my lucky stars that he is still in one piece now," Severus rubbed his palm against his face.

"But how could he pass Remus undetected if it was just a disillusionment charm?"

"Lupin could have detected had he walked through the main gate. However, he had obtained assistance to leave the school ground through secret passages."

Severus eyed James again:

"Sounds familiar?"

"What assistance?"

"This."

Severus pulled a piece of parchment out of his pocket and placed it in front of James, whose eyes immediately opened wide.

"Merlin where the hell did he find this?! It has been lost since..."

"What is it, James?," Lily glared at her husband.

"Well, it is..."

"It is what?"

James sighed, overwhelmed by a mixture of excitement, sadness, worries, so on and so forth. He quietly tapped his wand on the piece of parchment and dictated:

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

Spectacularly, traces of ink started dancing on the surface and arranged themselves into the welcome message of the Marauders' Map. It took Lily no time to figure out its manufacturers.

"This is yours?!"

"Yes, it's... ours. Was confiscated by Filch in seventh year. I... we all thought it was lost forever."

Severus briskly opened the map and drove the story back to its line:

"And it is the reason why Mr Potter Jr. succeeded in leaving the school ground yesterday."

"How exactly?," Lily asked while studying the map.

"We discovered several secret passages to enter and exit the castle," James explained. "While we roamed the school ground every full moon back then, of course. So we decided to create this. It also shows where everyone in the castle is at the moment, which reduces the risk of being caught. Look... Harry is being with Moony."

"Yes, he is," Severus confirmed.

"Did he tell you where he got this from to begin with?," James asked.

"After talking around unsuccessfully, he admitted getting it from a friend who had previously stolen it from Filch's office. And of course he would not give away said friend at any cost. Gryffindors," Severus sneered lazily.

"I see. So Filch had been keeping it until a student stole it. Quite a smart one I have to say, if they managed to find out how it works by themselves."

"Indeed. And fate just had to turn it around and deliver it to your son. So that he could break through the hell of security measures placed around him in exchange for a visit to Zonko's joke shop!"

"I am very tempted to send him a howler right now!," Lily said angrily.

"No, Lily," Severus looked at her in the eyes and said calmly. "Please don't. You know I don't support public humiliation, and you know why. You also, Potter, please don't do what you are going to do."

James rolled his eyes:

"How can you know what I am going to do?"

"I just know."

"He's my child! I have to..."

"Please, James."

That did the trick, because it was and would be the first and the last time in this life and several lives later that Severus Snape spoke to James Potter in that tone and with that look.

"He has been assigned a month of detention with Minerva and will spend all his weekends under either Lupin's or my supervision until the end of term."

Lily stood up.

"Still, I have to talk to him. Can you escort me to Remus' office, Sev?".

"It would be easier to arrange, in security terms, if I escort him here and come back to pick him up after dinner."

"Yes, it's also better if both of us can talk to him, Lily," James nodded.

"All right," Severus said, "Before I leave, however, there is another matter I would like to bring to your attention, Mr Potter."

"What?"

Severus tapped his wand on the Marauders' Map and dictated:

"Mischief managed."

After the map's content disappeared, he tapped the wand again and dictated:

"I, Severus Snape, demand that you reveal your secret."

While the ink traces danced and rearranged themselves, Severus' wand was out and briskly pointed at James' throat.

"Laugh, Potter. Laugh! I beg you!," Severus roared.

"PUT YOUR WAND AWAY SEV WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!," Lily screamed.

"Look at it," he gestured Lily to the map. She looked over James' shoulder and it took three seconds for her wand to be pulled out and pointed at James' throat too.

"You. Lot. Are. Impossible! Don't you dare laugh!," she roared.

"Calm down, dear," James pleaded. "All right, I apologize, Sniv... Severus, on behalf of the whole bunch. Teenage idiocy, you know. I apologize, truly."

Severus shot him another dead glare:

"Teenage idiocy that lasts forever, is it?"

"Look, you two please take your wands away from my throat so that I can fix this thing," James pleaded again.

When his wish was granted, he made a few wand movements on the map and chanted some quiet incantations. The text disappeared.

"Try again," he gestured to Severus, just to receive another glare. "No, I'm serious," he insisted.

"Anything inappropriate again, Potter, you had better beg for mercy from Merlin because I assure you, you will have none from me," Severus hissed.

"No, of course not," James worked up the most innocent face he could manage.

Severus tapped his wand on the map and dictated once more:

"I, Severus Snape, demand that you reveal your secret."

Traces of ink appeared and danced themselves into a new text:

Messrs Moony, Padfoot and Prongs say hi to Mr Severus Snape and would like to acknowledge that we have all grown up.

After delivering another glare, Severus concluded:

"Indeed. Now please kindly keep this thing out of Mr Potter Jr.'s reach for Merlin's sake."

He stood up and was ready to leave when he heard Lily's quiet voice:

"Thank you, Sev. For keeping an eye on Harry."

"Yes. Thank you, Severus," James added, sounding unusually serious.

After several moments of awkward silence, Severus replied blankly:

"You are welcome."


	9. Chapter 9

 

Severus watched silently while the big boy removed his face from the pensieve. He looked up at his Uncle Sev, who appeared to be unusually relaxed in the armchair across the table.

Silence endured for a full minute before the big boy, now settled in the other armchair in the room, started to speak.

"Why are you showing it to me today?"

Severus studied him for a few more moments, a frown slowly forming on his face.

"You have the right to know."

Harry stroke his fingers through his messy hair, sinking deep in thoughts. This was not exactly what he expected from spending the night of his seventeenth birthday at Uncle Sev's place. Quietness and rawness, that he knew too well, but he didn't expect a pensieve memory. And not this particular one.

"You have been waiting all these years?"

Severus shook his head, his voice loaded with irony.

"Far from that. I expected myself to cow away from it forever."

"You wanted to forget?"

That caused an almost visible surge of pain. Severus' frown deepened. And slowly, he nodded.

"Yes."

Harry looked at his Uncle Sev in the eyes, trying to digest the piece of information he had just been exposed to.

"Unsuccessfully though," Severus added. And he continued waiting for the outburst that was sure to come. Soon.

"I see."

"Although I'm sure a mere apology is far from sufficient, that's pretty much the only thing I can do now, so, I'm sorry, Harry. For everything."

Harry was shaken by the pain surging through him. He had never seen Uncle Sev like this. The man was never too happy, sure, but he had never seen him so sad either. Almost broken.

Harry sighed, then stood up, walked to the kitchen, picked up one of the chairs there and come back to seat himself right next to Severus, face to face.

Once again, after so long, his finger slowly traced along one of the man's facial scars.

"These have always been here since as long as I can remember," he said quietly, in a story-telling voice. "Mum said they are from a torture that sent you to near death."

Severus was looking back at him with a mixed expression of pain and confusion.

"You were tortured because you betrayed Voldy... Voldemort. And you betrayed Voldemort because you wanted to save us."

"To save your mum."

"Yes. To save my mum."

Harry eyed the man and continued with a soft smile:

"Which ended up saving dad and me as well."

Ignoring whatever face Severus might be making, he went on:

"I know there are more scars here," he pointed at one side of the man's neck, which was carefully covered by the high collar. "From the snake. The snake that Pettigrew managed to sneak into the castle in my second year. You showed up at the right moment and... took the bite for me. I almost got sick from crying too hard."

Harry smiled again. He was going down the memory path now and no amount of Severus Snape could stop it.

"These hands," he gently held one of the man's pale, tough hands and turned its palm upwards, "used to be my toy. These fingers taught me to count. Then when I was ten, they held my hand and took me roaming Hogwarts for the first time. They tremble all the time. You said it is also from that torture. But that doesn't stop you from being a great potion master. I remember when you held my hands to guide me through processing potion ingredients for the first time, I was like wow - how could your movements be so precise even while your hands trembled? My potion hero ever since". He grinned at the memory, still ignoring said potion hero.

"When I was in third year," he continued, "I was stupid enough to go to all lengths only to sneak out to Hogsmeade for once. When I was caught, you scared the daylights out of me. But behind my back you convinced mum not to send me a howler and dad not to give me a spanking."

"How do you know?," Severus questioned.

"They told me."

"When?"

"I don't remember," Harry shrugged. "Last year or the year before that or so. And then after that incident you and Uncle Moony took turn to go to Hogsmeade with me under the Invisibility Cloak so that I wouldn't miss the fun while my friends were there."

Harry looked at Severus again. Now the man seemed to have joined the flow of his memories.

"In my fourth year you raised your wand at the Minister to keep me out of the Triwizard Tournament."

"Stupid loss of temper. I could have ended up in Azkaban had it not been for Albus' influence."

"Perhaps. But Albus also said it served well to make it extremely clear that I was not supposed to join and would not join by all means."

"A calm and official reaction from your parents yielded the same result."

"Still, I'm very fond of that moment. Then in my fifth year I messed up again with your old textbook and almost killed Draco. You yelled at the top of your lungs for a full hour. I was so desperate to face the threat of expulsion. After your yelling feat you hugged me and told me even if I was expelled, it would not be the end of the world. You and Uncle Moony and my parents would arrange to homeschool me if that happened. I remember you said 'We will walk through it together'. But I was never expelled because you moved mountains with the Malfoys to prevent that."

"Now how can you know this also?"

"Draco told me. Just recently."

"You seem to know everything."

Harry giggled.

"Then last year when Voldy attacked Hogwarts and was only an inch from taking me down, you literally dueled him to protect me. Although you were scared."

Severus rolled his eyes.

"Yes, I know that also. I was hiding right behind your back, remember? You trembled like hell. I have never spoken of it to anyone though," he eyed Severus with a teasing look. "You dueled him anyway despite yourself. Had you not, I wouldn't be sitting here today. And then when the battle ended, the first thing you did was to turn around to check on me and make a big fuss over the few scratches on my arms while blood was dripping from your head."

Severus did something completely unexpected. He smiled.

"I never forget those times, Uncle Sev. Never."

When the boy put it that way, it made Severus feel as if his short life had been very long. So long that now nothing seemed important any more.

"I have lost you today, lad. I have lost you to adulthood."

Without knowing, his hands started to strike through Harry's hair. Once more.

"Well... yes... but isn't that a bit off topic?," Harry grinned.

Severus leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. He had never felt so light, so unburdened since as long as he could remember. Now he was ready for whatever was coming. He had had enough... of everything.

After a few breaths, he opened his eyes again. Harry was still sitting there and looking at him with a soft smile on his face.

"What are you going to do?," Severus asked.

"What am I going to do with what?"

Severus lazily gestured to the pensieve. Harry turned slightly to glance at it before bringing his eyes back to look at his Uncle Sev again.

"Uhm... forgive you?"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

Awkward silence.

"You have just seen it. I had no problem letting you and your father die."

"That's right. But you changed your mind."

"Only after Albus..."

"... said you disgusted him. Yes. Or Albus could have given a full lecture and you could have still ignored it all had you so chosen. Perhaps, yes, perhaps you once had no problem letting me and my dad die as long as my mum lived. But you changed your mind, and for the sixteen years that followed you had no problem letting yourself die to keep me - and mum and dad, all of us - safe. And not only that. You made sure I was happy."

"You were denied a normal childhood. Your family had to live underground all those years."

"I did have a happy childhood. Happy in its own way. Who else got to go to Hogsmeade with a professor under the Invisibility Cloak? You can't change what have happened, like dad and Padfoot and Moony can't change their wrongdoings to you in your childhood. But you forgave them, didn't you? So why not yourself?"

Severus took some time to digest. Not the idea of forgiving himself, but Harry's reaction to this whole thing.

"Your parents..."

"Mum would probably yell, as usual. Dad would probably hex you. Padfoot might give a second hex if he happens to be there. But I am willing to do all of that on their behalf right now if you insist," Harry smirked. "Then we will all shrug it off, make some tea and start arguing about something else. Or we can save us all the trouble and forget about it now. Let the past be the past."

The man's fingers were striking through Harry's hair again. Old uncles die hard.

"If speaking to my mum and dad about it would set you free, by all means do so, Uncle Sev. But I know for sure they will forgive you easily and fast, like I do."

Slowly and quietly, a kiss landed on Harry's forehead. Once more.

"After all this time?," Harry grinned.

For the second time on the same day, Severus smiled.

"Always."


	10. Chapter 10

"How many times should we forgive someone?"

"Once more."

\- Aja Chan -

 


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